Bad Habit to Break

bad-habits

Mornings are good. Afternoons aren’t too bad either. Early evening, the anticipation starts to bubble, but I keep myself distracted. Nights are hard. The anxiety creeps up, taking hold of every thought and action, knowing what the end result will be.

Silence.

Every night for a month, we talked for hours at a time. About everything, about nothing at all. Not wanting to sleep because the reality was better than the dream for once.

It takes 30 days to create a habit. Is that what we were?

We never made promises, plans we couldn’t keep. We were locked in the present, not looking at a future. We felt like teenagers again, the spark, the excitement to have found a friend. I thought we were doing it right, that we didn’t jump in head first. We jumped together, not trying to pull the other one down, but hand in hand into the unknown.

But the unknown is a scary place, and someone said it was wrong. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong to have feelings for someone.

So I sit here at night, sitting in the unknown, wondering if I’m the habit you needed to break.

 

Never again, again….

time-machine-5You meet someone that makes your heart move, causes feelings that you forgot existed. You remember what it’s like to be a teenager again and the butterflies. He kisses you for the first time and you feel like you’ve never been apart. You feel happy and complete.

And you ignore everything that tells you that he’s not ready. You ignore the small voice in your head that says SLOW DOWN, you’re falling quicker than he is, even though he tells you he feels the same. You forget about the heartbreaks and disappointments over the years, because he’s different. You forget to leave your guard up. You’re happy for once, but you ignore the fear.

And then it happens.

He says he’s not ready, that it’s all moving too quickly for him. He’s scared. Hell, you’ve been scared since he asked to call you and you heard his voice. You were scared because you knew it was too good to be true, that finally God brought you someone that you understood, and he understood you. The physical pain that your body feels, the sick feeling of not being good enough. The realization that maybe you did something wrong in a past life, and your punishment in this one is to hurt, over and over and over…

Why does it take two people to get in, and only one person to get out? Why does God keep telling me to be patient, then gives me hope that I won’t go through this life alone, only to take it all away? I did everything right this time, but I started to feel, and I got hurt. Again. I was finally ok being alone, I didn’t need or want anyone. But God said, hey, remember what it’s like to feel? Remember how your heart breaks because you let someone else in? Let me remind you….

But I’m not waiting around for him. I’m not going to hope that maybe ONE day, I’ll be the one he chooses, when he’s not scared anymore. In those famous words, “I’m giving up on love, cause love’s given up on me.” It gave up a long time ago, I just refused to believe it.